Have you recently been to a child’s sporting event? Have you noticed things are drastically different from just 15 years ago? Have you ever stopped and wondered what the consequences could be?
I first noticed the “everyone’s a winner” methodology when my younger (much younger) brother was in sports. I didn’t realize the extent of it until we put our oldest in his first actual sport, a few years ago. It wasn’t just a “we all participated” and “great job” praise, they literally would tell all of them we are all winners.
I understand what the thought process is at such a young age and I commend the heart that it came from. What I have a problem with is the mentality it has developed across the nation throughout adolescence that creates a huge problem into adulthood.
My child is told:
- It doesn’t matter how hard you work, everyone will win. That hard work will not be fairly rewarded.
- You don’t need to worry about defeat, you will never have to deal with it.
- It doesn’t matter if you have a special talent making you unique. Uniqueness is no longer praised, we only care about unity and everything being equal.
I’ve worked with college aged kids for many years, I see the effects of this mentality. Children are not taught how to deal with defeat and disappointment at a young age. What happens when they don’t get the job they applied for? When they don’t get a raise because they didn’t meet their sales goals? When they get fired because there was no hard work present?
Everything, big and small, has a reaction on our children. We may not think of it as a big deal but it most certainly is. We only see the now; the child that is crying after their soccer game because their team didn’t win. We see the daughter who didn’t make the cheerleading team because she just wasn’t good enough and is heart broken. We see the child who doesn’t understand why they can’t win the free-throw contest while others are naturally gifted.
We need to step back and teach these kids how to deal with these situations. Maybe the girl trying out for cheerleading doesn’t have a talent for that, however she’s amazing on the guitar. Maybe the child who is trying to play basketball just isn’t as coordinated but has a knack for painting.
I saw a news story a few months back about a school in New Jersey that no longer allows anyone to be cut from the cheerleading squad, because a parent complained when her daughter got upset. Are you kidding me right now!? The world is not fair and it never will be! Why are we depriving our children from learning valuable lessons in life. We aren’t teaching them how to deal with disappointment and failure. We should be taking this time to teach them how to cope, move on, and never give up. This could also be a good time to evaluate with them about what their niche is. Maybe they have a gift for something outside of sports or music, but you’ll never know if you don’t explore it. Let’s teach them about our uniqueness and that God made us all with different talents and gifts.
I like to use the example of picking a college degree. I don’t know about you but I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life at 18. Heck, I still don’t quite know what I want to do and I’m in my 30’s. My point is this…a child who hasn’t had those hard lessons in life may really struggle with this when the time comes. They be an amazing engineer who goes on to create things we could only dream of, however they’re not willing to take a look past their dream of being the next Today Show anchor. They could be failing all their communication classes and not have that sense of “maybe this isn’t meant for me” because they were always taught they have a right to win and achieve everything set before them. There is no “right” to achieve anything. This is something we need to learn and it’s okay to fail and lose.
I was a competitive gymnast for about half of my life. at 10 years old I was at the gym 32 hours a week working my butt off in hopes of becoming the next Olympic gymnast. To this day I swear that’s a huge part of what made me who I am today. I knew disappointment at a young age when I didn’t get first on an event or even place at all. I learned how to deal with those emotions including jealousy. Through it all I ended up quitting just a couple weeks after taking the state all-around silver medal. It was in that moment I came to the conclusion that I wanted to really be amazing at something and I didn’t feel I could be the best in gymnastics. I still miss it to this day and have some regrets about quitting but at the same time had I not quit I never would have went on to do dance and found a passion that I love so dearly. I wouldn’t have found the true joy traveling gives me, because gymnastics didn’t allow me time to travel with freedom. I wouldn’t have learned how to deal with the disappointment of failing when I gave it my all and worked my absolute hardest if it wasn’t for that sport.
Life is never easy! Whether it be your job, parenting, marriage, or even friendships life will be tough. You will not be good at everything! You will fail a time, or two, or a billion. We need to prepare our children to deal with these failures by letting them be losers. Let them learn a lesson and maybe even find out who they are through it.
As we begin a new school year and fall sports season, lets all reflect on how we will teach our children valuable lessons that will last a lifetime and the tools they will need to get them through life.
I’m not saying this is going to be easy, because as a mother I know how it feels when your child is heartbroken. I want to be mama bear and make it all right, but in the end I know this isn’t always the answer. Every moment can be used as a learning opportunity and this is definitely one I will stick to.
From one mama to another,
Jackie
Very well written, you have a gift in writing.
Thank you!